Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Headlines: Looting, Nude Beaches, and the Little Blue Pill

It’s only Wednesday and we already got some crazy headlines. Let’s take a look…

Bellicheck’s 11

Well New England has hit a new low this weekend. Apparently, thieves broke into a Attleboro, MA jewelry store and stole a safe containing the Super Bowl rings that were soon to be given to members of the New York Giants front office staff. Each ring was valued at $25,000. Evidence suggests the assailants were wearing hooded sweatshirts with cut-off sleeves. I wonder if Ray Finkle was involved?

...Jeremy Shockey has been dispatched.

Big Men Hanging It Up

Michael Strahan hung it up after a Hall of Fame caliber career. What you probably missed was that the Ravens offensive tackle Jonathan Ogden decided to follow suit. Like Strahan, Ogden is retiring to focus on his actor career. If you have ever lived in the greater Baltimore area you probably remember this gem…

I hear they are considering for the role of the world-traveling paleontologist for the upcoming Jurassic Park 4.

Careful, You’re Ball Might Land in the Wrong Beach

While they will not be in the gallery for the U.S. Open this week, the Black's Beach Bares will certainly be right in the middle of the action – the nudist action that is. Apparently, just over the cliff behind the fourth green at Torrey Pines is a nude beach. Providing non-stop excitement in-between pairings, the gallery need only look behind them to find the nudists “playing volleyball, throwing the Frisbee, body surfing, building sandcastles, collecting seashells. Maybe playing some backgammon." Let’s just hope that the players take a little less club when hitting into the fourth green.

Talk about Your “Rising” Fastball

Why Rusty Hardin didn’t laugh and quickly reach for his briefcase when Roger Clemens told him the “whole story” is beyond me. It just never ends with this guy! The most recent reports on the troubled, former Red Sox pitcher (that’s right, we gave him back) is that he was stocking Viagra in his locker. Now you might ask, “Mr. Crasher, I don’t think I ever noticed Roger ‘at full attention’ while he was pitching? Was it just unbridled sexual energy that caused him to throw the bat at Piazza?” Well, my dear reader, it turns out Viagra has some helpful side effects including boosts to your endurance. Now I am no doctor (but I do play one on TV) but apparently, its helps increase blood flow not only “down below” but also throughout your body. So with the blue pill, you can either hang out with your middle-aged wife in separate bathtubs or win seven Cy Youngs.

1 comment:

Game Misconduct said...

Some guy's name is Rusty Hardin? Didn't he star in that 70's porn with Dirk Diggler?