Tuesday, June 10, 2008

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me

Everyone remember those geocities sites from back in the day? You could pick one of three backgrounds and set-up your own little tribute to Derek Jeter or the Backstreet Boys (or both!). Anyway, I just came across one for Mike Milbury. That’s right…fuckin’ Mad Mike himself. I immediately assumed this was a joke. I mean the website does have a purple background and tells us that Mad Mike’s astrological sign is “Sun in Gemeni and Moon in Aries” – whatever the hell that means. But as I continued to read, gripped to the screen, as if Elisa Cuthbert were poised to ring my doorbell and ask for a dry change of clothes, I realized this was no joke. Our dear friend, who we can only identify from an e-mail address which starts with MJM, is dead serious. And what’s more? MJM are Michael J. Milbury’s initials. Oh this is just too good. Mike Milbury seems to have made a geocities site praising himself! “Loser anti-Milbury’s” need not apply” he reminds us. I didn’t realize there were pro-Milburys until I came across MJM. Did anyone actually e-mail this guy???

We will assume that this whole MJM thing is a strange coincidence (like needle marks in Roger Clemens buttox) and that he is indeed not Mike Milbury.

I spent way too much time on this website and have pulled some of my favorite quotes for your enjoyment. Islander fans, I would probably stop reading, as this website seems to rehash some of the most painful years in Islander history with an absurd sense of optimism. By MJM’s standards, we should have another 4 straight Stanley Cups by 2008 led by our leading scorer Robert Reichel….that’s right. Why in the world would we trade Robert Reichel? Now I see how this MJM character thinks.

The Mike Milbury Tribute Page…The Only One of Its Kind!

I’d say so. These tribute pages are usually reserved for good people. People who save franchises, not run them into the ground. Either that or for stalker-tastic middle aged men who need someway of expressing their strange obsession with a young female celebrity. Now, MJM, which category do you fall into?

"You, from New York, you are so relevant....Luminous more so than most anyone; unapologetically alive." - Alanis Morissette
Follow it up with an Alanis Morisette quote…I am starting to think this is the later.
For those completely in the dark (SHAME ON YOU!), Mike Milbury is the ex-coach and general manager of my favorite hockey team, the New York Islanders. He's also the COOLEST guy ever! He has no regard for formalities, and he'll tell it like it is to your face without a hint of guilt. He'll also beat you with a shoe if you taunt him enough! AND THAT'S WHY WE LOVE HIM!

He also is responsible for some of the most retarded trades in the history of the professional sports. I don’t know what the deal is with this “we love him.” I mean…I usually reserve love for the most important things in my life: pizza, Xbox, my lucky Jofa hockey stick, and Alex Rodriguez. I like to think that me and the rest of the God-fearing world do not “love” individuals who peak their career with going into the stands and beating someone with a shoe and then follow it up with being a shitty General Manager.

September 17, 1999:

Well, training camp for the 1999-2000 season has begun, and the Isles are fixin' to get some new owners. Sounds like good news, right? Maybe not. Rumor has it that if new owners come in, Mike's gonna be shipped out.

I'm sure you're all waiting for me to go on a rampage and stuff, but to tell you the truth, I'm strangely apathetic about it at this point. If you must know, there was a "transaction" that took place over the summer that Mike either master-minded or just simply aided and abetted. It had nothing to do with the Isles, but it affected me personally and directly. I won't go into it, but let's just say Mike being kicked outta Long Island would make up for it in some small way. Oh, I still love Mike and all, but some amends must be made. Sorry, Mike. :-(

It took six years for Charles Wang to come to his sense and send Milbury packing. We all have MJM to thank of his wishful thinking. And speaking of amends that need to be made…how about for trades that did have something to do with the Isles: how about trading Bertuzzi and McCabe for Trevor Linden and then releasing Trevor Linden. Or trading Ziggy Palfy for peanuts. The one bright spot in the trade, Olli Jokinen and a first round pick were quickly squandered. This was, of course, just 1999. Sorry, MJM. :-(

March 24, 1999:

Robert Reichel was sent to the Phoenix Coyotes for left wing Brad Isbister. Here's something I don't get. Reichel was the Isles leading scorer. True, his leadingness would have measured up to obscurity on any other team, but that's beside the point. We obviously need scorers. I don't see how trading a scorer is gonna help matters!

Tommy Salo was FINALLY traded to the Edmonton Oilers for winder Mats Lindgren. I can rest in peace now that Whiner-Boy is gone. With him around, it makes Mike look like this big ogre with some evil Golden Whip of Obscurity that he can snap at any time whenever he feels like it to send you running shrieking into his doghouse and lay there cold and afraid until he falls asleep. Of course, it still seems like we got the load end of the pan with Lindgren. I've never heard of him, but you can't expect to get much in exchange for Salo, n'est-ce pas?

In March of 1999, Robert Reichel had 56 points (19 goals, 37 assists). Does that even qualify you as a leading scorer? Doesn’t that just make you least worst! Unbelievable. Lindgren for Salo! What a fuckin no-brainer! Salo only went on to make the NHL All-Star team with Oilers for the next two years and set the Oilers record for lowest GAA. Mats Lindgren scored six goals as a New York Islander.

January 21, 1999:

The Anti-Milbury Brigade has reached an all-time low.

Add Islanders sportswriter Marc Berman to the list, and about 12,000 Islander fans. Last night at Nassau Colosseum, as the Isles got spanked for the 11th straight time, this time by the Panthers, chants of "Mike Must Go!" echoed through the building. It absolutely amazes me how people can blame a coach before they even look at the players.

Ok, fine MJM. Let’s not blame Coach Milbury. We should blame the dumbass that assembled this underperforming team. Oh wait! They are one in the same!

…Milbury fired himself later that day. Milbury Brigade 5, Anti-Milbury Brigade 1

January 17, 1999: Leave it to the Islanders to be on the losing side of a game that sees only one goal scored through the entire night.

The Isles were back in Florida last night hoping to avenge themselves against the Panthers after a dismal 5-1 loss on Decemeber 28 (in which I was in attendance, thank you very much). Not only did the Isles lose the game again, but they also lost All-Star defenseman Kenny Jonsson again! My Lord, what is UP with this kid?! Anyways, he sprained his knee and could be out for the season, but, for some reason, the poor deluded Jonsson still thinks he's going to the All-Star game this weekend (*sigh* Must be the concussion still looming). Since the NHL has adopted this annoying North America vs. The World system for the All-Star game, Jonsson's replacement has to be an Easterner. My pick is for Robert Reichel. Speculation is that Mike will choose Zdeno Chara. It's well-known that Mike thinks very highly of him - though I can't understand why at all! I saw this big lug get pummelled on Decemeber 28 by about a dozen Panthers players half his size (6-9)!! PU-LEEZE!

I had to pick this one for so many reasons. First of all, let’s talk about the sad state of affairs going on here. The Isles all-star was going to be Kenny Jonsson with Robert Reichel as his back-up. The Isles just got shut out by the Florida Panthers to whom they would soon be trading their back-up goalie Roberto Luango. We’ll see how that pans out for them. Finally, I wonder if our dear friend MJM knows where Chara is now. Probably lending his 6’9” body to the circus or maybe staring in My Giant II. Or perhaps, he’s a perennial all-star who is in consideration for the Norris trophy every year. PU-LEEZE!

From the Milbury Quotes Page:

On Eric Fichaud after his NHL debut, a win:

-"He seems to have a competitive type of personality, and he's kinda cute."

Personally, I never really thought so, but whatever puts weight on your Mario, Mike....

Feel free to draw your own conclusions here…

"People think there is something wrong with Mike. But there's method in his madness." - Scott Lachance

“I don’t understand how a man who couldn’t make a good trade has any business analyzing other people’s trades.” – Stan Fischler

Ok with the said, I am going to go make me a Garth Snow Tribute site. Garth Snow: A Better Player and a Better GM

Also, check out the discussion of Milbury’s career as GM on the Isles’ wikipedia pages. It’s pretty comprehensive. You can’t miss his section, it’s called, “1995-2000: Management Issues”


In closing, I will now list players who could have been Islanders or could have remained Islanders if not for Mr. Milbury’s shenanigans between 1999-2006. I refuse to include Heatley and Gaborick as I believe drafting DiPietro was not a bad decision.

Forwards: Tood Bertuzzi, Ziggy Palffy, Olli Jokienen, Jason Spezza,

Defensemen: Bryan McCabe, Bryan Berard (when he was good), Eric Brewer, Zdeno Chara

Goalies: Chris Osgood and Roberto Luongo

Front office/coaches: Neil Smith, Pat Lafontaine, Peter Laviolette

Respectfully submitted,
The guy who called Mike and the Mad Dog screaming after they had Milbury on the air.

No comments: